The Basement Files: How to lose fans and alienate women


The roses are dead, and this poem is blue, I ate too many burritos, and now I must … you get the idea.

I know, totally romantic right? It’s Valentine’s Day today, as in “right now,” as in, if you hadn’t figured that out already you might as well start mentally preparing yourself to sleeping on a couch tonight. Which isn’t bad by the way, couches can be pretty dang comfortable.

Back on point, it’s February 14th, my least favorite day of the year. I loathe this day, I’m sorry but I do. It’s a day where everyone is supposed to be all lovey-dovey, romantic, endearing, and all that jazz. I can’t stand it, and I’ll tell you why … and probably cement my status as “single” for yet another year in doing so, but I’ve got to vent, so don’t tell me I didn’t warn you.

The main reason I can’t stand this day is because of, well, the “fairer sex.” I don’t know why they insist on calling themselves that, because when it comes to Valentine’s Day, there is nothing “fair” about it. It’s all on the man, and if he blows it that somehow means he doesn’t love you anymore. I’m no relationship expert, but if you have to resort to bribery to keep your significant other, then you’re doomed from the get-go. Seriously, is one single day that important? How about the other 364? Sheesh!

I know what you are thinking, “He’s just a jealous single dude.” Well, you are right about me being single, but that is only because I can’t lie. Which is normally a quality that women say is important to them, but it is important to know, that women tend to lie about what they want.

Let me explain before you cut my head off. Ask a woman what she wants for Valentine’s Day, and she’ll say “nothing.” Complete and utter lie, don’t believe a word of it. Ladies, a bit of advice, if you want something, or would like us to do something for you, SAY SO.

Another of my favorite, let’s call them “fibs,” comes up when you ask what a woman wants in a man. Some will tell you flat out, but most will play it coy,. so as not to come off as really, really shallow. They will say they want someone with a sense of humor who will dote over them and treat them like a queen, someone who is good with animals and kids, and has a kind, gentle soul. Again, totally bunk, If that were the case, I would have been married a decade ago. “Oh, you’re funny, kind and treat me wonderful … but this dude is hot.” Yes, and before talking to you he was having a deep, thought provoking discussion with a coat rack, but he’s got a six-pack and a butt, so it doesn’t matter … and then they wonder why he forgets Valentine’s Day, go figure.

Yes, I am fully aware that I’m being extremely bitter. You get that way after a number of years, and that fact isn’t going to help in the relationship department one bit, so before I dig myself into a grave so deep that I won’t be able to climb out of it, let me finish with a bit of advice for both men and women.

Men: If Valentine’s Day is the only day of the year to take out your lady, buy her flowers, or really do anything for her … you fail as a man, period. This arbitrary day should be no more than a footnote to what you do the rest of the year.

Ladies: Stop with the word games, don’t make us guess, and for the love of all things good and holy, stop saying “all the good guys are taken.” That’s utter nonsense, there are plenty of us out there, even if we can be a bit bitter and look a little bit like Shrek.

Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I want to wish everyone a very happy Valentine’s Day! And when she asks you a question, answer in verse. Try the one below, you couldn’t do any worse.

“I like burritos, I really like them lots, but I ate to many, now they gave me the trots!”

Goodnight everybody!

Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.