The Basement Files


My Powerball numbers no ticket to paradise

Happy Friday, Gazette readers. I’m not feeling too great this week so my column is a bit shorter this week, because, well … let’s just say something was rumbling my house on Tuesday night and it wasn’t the thunderstorm.
Fortunately, this hasn’t hurt my daily routine of lurking around news sites and watching TV, so there is plenty to talk about.

Powerball – nobody won

As I’m writing this Wednesday, the Powerball drawing hasn’t yet happened. So if for some reason someone won, just skip this part and go to the next section, lovingly titled “Powerball — There was a winner…”

As for this part, however, nobody won. That’s awful because I didn’t win. I have some big plans for that money. I don’t know about you, but if I won that kind of cash, the first thing I would do is buy a really nice car, a really small house because I’m sure as heck not dusting a mansion and a front doorstep that doubles as a catapult, so I can launch any family members or solicitors stopping by into Oak Park Heights.

Powerball – There was a winner…

I, and America, now dislike you, whoever you are.

Minor league marriage mockery

The Minnesota Twins Class Double-A affiliate, the New Britain Rock Cats, answered a question I’ve had since viral videos started hitting the Internet. What videos you ask? I’m talking about those videos from ballparks cropping up lately showing marriage proposals where the woman shuts the man down.

Now, I consider myself a good judge of when people are spewing a bunch of hooey. Someone as good at it as I should be able to spot his own, and my “phooey-meter” was off the charts with the recent crop of these videos. Now it’s come out that the Rock Cats’ management staged the whole thing and posted the video online in the hope it would viral.

Sure, we’re talking about it now, but for someone who lives on the Internet a good four days a week, I find it insulting you think you can actually manufacture a viral video. You can’t control it. It just happens, and you can’t push it out as hard as you can and hope for success. It just doesn’t work and you end up getting made fun of, or hemorrhoids, depending on the conversation.

A Canterbury Tale of bull

If you haven’t “herd.” someone thinks it would be a good idea to bring a decidedly European event, the running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, to Canterbury Park. I’m honestly torn on this. Most of me — the common sense side — is saying, “Keep that stupid event in Spain where it belongs!” and “This is not the most idiotic thing I’ve heard all week, but it’s darn close.”

But, the “schadenfreude” (look it up) side of me is almost eager to get tickets to watch the event. What? Don’t look at me that way. It’s not like most of you weren’t thinking the same thing.

Besides, we can joke all we want about this because I‘d be willing to bet animal rights activists will never let it happen anyway.

Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.