Keeping it real about my resolutions


Happy tax-hike everyone. Sure is a good thing we didn’t fall off that cliff, no sir. Because, wait, wasn’t that going to raise our taxes too? I’m confused? Which way were we supposed to go to avoid middle-class tax hikes? I don’t know.

This is why I don’t like politics, because no matter what you do, you’re screwed. And no matter what stance you take, you’re going to get hate mail from both sides claiming you’re a shill for the other. Well, at least it’s something.

It’s been so cold recently I have kind of been even more deprived of human contact, but I’m off track now. Where was I?

Oh, right, my New Year’s resolutions.

Yes, the resolution. A time honored (or, for your Brits out there, “honoured”) tradition of trying to make yourself better. Or, if you are somewhere in the news field, to openly share yours so that the public can “keep you on track.” Unfortunately, no one remembers their resolutions by about the three-week mark, because no one should make a life-changing decision while, as we discussed last week, crying, drinking, or crying while drinking.

That doesn’t mean I haven’t made a few for myself this year. However, this year I’m being more “realistic” about them. Gone are the days when I say. “I’m going to lose ‘this much’ weight,” or, “I’m going to get a new job.” Those are pipe dreams that serve to make you miserable through the end of the month before you give them up. Quit looking at me that way. I’m right and you know it. So I’ve come up with a few simple things I can do this year that I can potentially keep up through at least mid-February. Then we’ll be happy as fish, gorgeous as geese, and so wonderfully clean in the morning.

First, I’m going to shave more often. That’s “offen,” for you people that feel inclined to pronounce the “T,” which, etymologically speaking, hasn’t been pronounced since the late 17th century. And despite the fact that people have basically given up the fight and said, “Who cares,” it is still wrong. Silent “T,” just like “fasten,” “listen,” “mortgage,” and “Christmas.”

But I digress. I think it’s time to shave more often. I’m not going to say “every day,” because that’s unreasonable, but about once a week should do. That should keep me looking a bit more… un-homeless.

Second, I think I’m going to cut back on the burritos. Again, a full-on ban on the corn-tortilla wrapped “intestinal missiles,” is impossible. They are just too good, and a convenient way to get all of the food groups in a condensed, concentrated fashion. But like any good infusion of beans and “roughage,” it tends to be a bit of a “gas” producer. While I don’t see what the big stink is about, the rest of the family seems to have really gotten behind this issue. Sorry about the puns.

But I’m going to use more puns. Why not? They’re fun, stupid and they make you groan when they are really bad. Which is just like me — fun, stupid and groan inducing. In addition, I’m going to start including really random and obscure references my columns. Because, again, why not. They’ll more than likely be prog-rock or nerd related, so keep your eyes open. I’d give you a hint, but supper’s ready. That’s not the reference. Supper really is ready. The reference is at the end of the third paragraph.

Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.