The Basement Files

Move over ‘Movember,’ it’s ‘don’t care December’

Chris Hamble

Well, “Movember” is over, so all us guys who had no business growing mustaches can shave again. In case you had not heard, “Movember” is short for “Mustache November,” a month where men (and women too, I’m not sexist) grow mustaches to raise awareness of men’s prostate health. It’s the more mainstream version of “No-Shave November,” where you wouldn’t just grow a mustache, but just stop shaving all together. I liked that one better, not only because bad beards are more visible and less creepy than bad mustaches, the name was alliterative. And as you know, alliteration makes all names better.

Then again, I’m glad “Movember” took off, and not the other offshoot, “No-Bathe November.” That one wasn’t good for anybody. But it doesn’t matter, because it’s December and some things need to be commented on, although it’s technically “don’t care December.”

Princess Kate is pregnant

What a great way to start “don’t care December!” Apparently, this Kate person is having a baby, maybe two, or maybe a brood. Who knows? Who cares?

The real question is: why is this all over the local and national news? People have kids every day, and people get sick every day. Sometimes they are sick because they are having kids, and sometimes they are sick because they have to listen about someone else’s kids. The point is why do we care so much?

Sure, some good things came out of Great Britain, like progressive rock, Dr. Who, Monty Python and Top Gear, but I thought we were done with this Royal Family nonsense since the Revolutionary War. Maybe people are bored and need something to take their attention away from the monotony; otherwise they’ll start complaining about other current events.

Costas shots from the hip

So, as any football fan knows by now, NBC’s Bob Costas decided to “shoot from the hip” Sunday and addressed gun control during halftime of the Philadelphia Eagles-Dallas Cowboys game. Do you want to know my take on gun control? Tough. There is a time and place for everything, and a column with sophomoric jokes, like a football game, is not that place.

So my advice to Bob is leave your opinions out of the game and most importantly, if someone tells you to “pull his finger,” whatever you do, do not shake his hand Because much like what happened after halftime, you might regret the consequences.

Online Shopping’s gone to (the) pot

Since we are on the subject of sophomoric humor, I should point out a study by digital gift company CashStar, which surveyed 2,000 people and found out that 16 percent of them have bought a gift for Christmas, Hanukah, Ramadan, Kwanzaa, Festivus and any other holiday I forgot to list while on the toilet.

CashStar attributes buying gifts while in the bathroom to the rise in smart phone use and the ever-increasing number of people who have tablet computers. Which leaves me with one last bit of advice to share before I go. Never use another man’s electronics. You never know where they might have been.


Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.