I see . . . nothing
Autumn is here. You know, the season that looks really good for about a week and then everything dies in preparation for winter. Yeah, that one.
Anyway, a lot of stuff has happened recently, most of it depressing, and usually when that is the case, I like to take a handful, skewer them and move on to the next. Not this time, however. This time, I want to address things yet to come, and do things all us narcissistic columnists do from time to time.
And that is pretend that I have some sort of psychic connection into the ether and pull out what I think will happen in days, weeks and months to come. In other words, I’m lazy and have nothing else to write about this week.
The future of the Superbowl
Quiet. I’m trying to concentrate. Yes, yes, I see it now. In the near future, the Vikings will not get to the big game and continue to disappoint. Furthermore, in the future, I see NFL stadiums relaxing their small-bag policy, possibly after inconveniencing someone in Congress.
But wait, my minds eye, she sees more. I see numbers, yes, numbers. In the not too distant future, I predict that the Super Bowl will stop using Roman numerals. Precisely at Super Bowl 50, because Super Bowl L looks really dumb.
An unsecure MnSure
Now, I gaze into my faux-crystal ball I found at a garage sale, one that might have once been an ashtray. Ah, I’m seeing something now. It’s becoming very clear. There will be a data breach at the MnSure exchange caused by an employee’s stupid mistake.
Wait, that already happened. Perhaps the crystal ball isn’t correctly calibrated. Or maybe not, OK, crystal ball, let’s see some more.
My word, another MnSure prediction, a scary one. It seems the crystal ball thinks hackers will manage to break into the system within days. Oh my, that’s awful. I sure hope that doesn’t happen.
I mean, for something thrown together so fast you’d think that security would be at the top of the list, right? Make it super secure, like the new fingerprint scanner on the iPhone 5S that cant be hacked. Oh, wait, that only took two days.
Quick, I need a second opinion. What do you think Magic 8-Ball? Outlook not so good.
It’s all in the cards
OK, so my “minds-eye” and crystal ball have provided me with some depressing predictions of the future. Let’s try something else. So, tell me Tarot cards, what lies in the future?
Let’s see, we’ve got some cups, a chariot and the, death card? Is that good or bad. I can’t remember. I’m thoroughly confused with these, and looking through them, I think I got them mixed in with my “Old Maid” specialty deck.
I. C. I.S.O.N.
Last try now, I’m starting to get frustrated here. I will attempt to read what is in the stars to tell what our future holds. So, let me get out my telescope and Google Skymap and let’s take a look, shall we?
Hey solar system, pull your pants up. I can see Uranus. And you thought I wouldn’t find a way to throw in some base humor.
Back to the observations, before I get too distracted. Oh no, oh no. I see what the ancients saw as a premonition of impending doom, of impending change, of all-around bad mojo. And it looks like it could be awesome. It’s just comet ISON, that — I am predicting — will disappoint some, but still put on a great show across our skies around Thanksgiving.
Enough of this. All this concentrating, card-reading, ball-gazing and star-watching has made me hungry, maybe for a burrito, which I predict is going to be awesome, and may cause some olfactory distress to anyone unlucky enough to pass too close.
Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.