Bidding good riddance to June


Good riddance June. Go on, get out of here. Shoo, shoo. You’ve been far too unpleasant for me this year. Now go away, sit in the corner, and think about what you did.

We’ve had far too much happening, from bad to worse to just downright annoying. We’ve had the revelation that the government is tracking everything we do, a celebrity chef losing her job for using racial slurs in the past, a state politician keeping his job despite tweeting slurs just as bad, round upon round of nasty weather, a bunch of trees that happened to all decide to play “hide-and-go-seek,” Minneapolis thinking it’s 1913 and somehow rationalizing an idiotic idea to bring back streetcars, Kim and Kanye allegedly naming their baby “North West” and the worst part is, we all seem to care about it. It’s enough to drive you mad. But, it’s over now, and we can get on with our lives. July starts next week, and it’s time to detox from the month that was.

First things first. If you want to detoxify your mind, you need to detoxify your body. You could go to some health food store, buy a body cleansing supplement and wait a few days for it to “work its course.” Or, if you are like me, you could take the easy route — burritos and keep ‘em coming. The spicier the better. Why? Because capsaicin, the chemical in the pepper that makes burritos hot aids in digestion, don’t you know.

Once the “insides” are nice and clear, the next step is purifying the “outside.” A nice, icy cold shower will do the trick. Nothing says “Wow, OK, I’m still alive,” like walking out of the shower with icicles coming out of your nose among other things. Besides, some of you might have been without power the last few days and have got to be getting a little ripe.

Now that the body is cleansed, it is time for the mind. Self-help books will tell you to find a nice quiet place to relax and try to clear your mind with something like yoga or meditation. If these work for you, great. But for me, I like something a bit more “mind numbing” than “mind clearing.” And that’s a big glass of iced-tea and watching cartoons. I prefer something old-school, like “Looney Tunes” and “Merrie Melodies” myself. Nothing says “just stop thinking and laugh” like a cross-dressing rabbit and a balding, bumbling hunter who just can’t catch a break. Oh, and Road-Runner. Everyone loves Road-Runner.

Now, if all that fails, I can’t help you. I can’t suggest doing what I would do. Which is go outside with another iced-tea and have a nice big, stinky cigar, and come back calm, collected and smelling like a distinguished gentleman. I’m not advocating this sort of manly relaxation method at all, because, as you’ve seen in those new “Truth” commercials, some smoke may have “urea” in it. And that is found in cat urine. Well, urea is also found in many dish soaps, skin creams and moisturizers, dry-compound fire extinguishers, and my favorite, tooth whitening products.

So no, I can’t recommend you do that. However, I will because I thoroughly intend on enjoying myself on the Fourth of July and I am not going to let a little regressive tax “rain” on my parade.

Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.