The Basement Files

No one likes a peeved goose


When we left you last week, Summer and Spring went on their merry way, leaving us to deal with Winter, the ice queen, for far longer than we should.

I mean, just look at the geese, they’re peeved. Nobody likes peeved geese. Luckily for us however, underappreciated Autumn has ventured forth into the wild unknown to find her fickle sisters, and to put an end to the evil plans of a never-ending winter.

Autumn looked far and wide, but could find no trace of Spring and Summer. She searched coast-to-coast, peak to valley, and from bar to breakfast joint until one night. Not a particularly dark, or stormy night, but a calm one with a storm on the horizon.

“There is only one person that violent that I know!” said Autumn, with a renewed vigor. She saw the hints of her sister, Spring, and she was hiding down south, the far south, where Winter should be.

Autumn raced down across the equator, and came face-to-face with her sister, Spring, who was having one of her trademark “hissy-fits.”

“Spring, I’ve found you! Why are you so upset?” Autumn said.

“I want to get back to normal,” Spring said, “but Summer won’t come back with me, and Winter is too strong for me to take on myself.”

It was true. Winter was a big girl, an amazon of a woman with a demeanor to match. And in the absence of the other seasons, she grew stronger. It would take the combined efforts of all three to Winter in her place, and to restore order to nature. But Autumn had to convince Summer to come back, not an easy task.

With Spring in tow, Autumn confronted Summer in a dingy Rio de Janeiro bar, having an all too good time, but looking sad and forlorn all the same.

“Summer, it’s time to come back, please, put down the margarita and restore order to the seasons,” Autumn said. “Have you seen the geese lately? They’re peeved. They don’t understand why they are tromping around in the snow, and nobody likes a peeved goose.”

This got to Summer. Although her season was one of hard work, she always enjoyed the animals that finally came out to play after hiding for their lives in the icy grip of Winter.

“The geese? What about the cardinals, blue jays, and robins?” a concerned Summer asked.

“All peeved, especially the robins!” Autumn said.

“Oh, I’ve been so selfish,” Summer realized, “but now the grip of Winter is too strong, we won’t be able to go back.”

“We’ll have to. If you think the birds are peeved and ready to be rid of winter, you should see the people,” Autumn said.

So the three seasons came storming back where they belonged. But there waited Winter. Try as they might, Winter would not give up her icy grasp. Spring made a little headway, but Winter came back full force for the better part of a week.

Fearing that things will get really screwed up, Mother Earth nagged Father Time out of the bathroom, because it was just recently “National Burrito Day,” and spurred him on to action.

“Enough!” He cried. “Autumn, thank you for bringing everyone back. And for the rest of you, I’m taking away you’re data plan and texting privileges. Now, get back to work.”

Being the teenagers they were, the loss of texting hit hardest, and was an effective punishment to get them to behave. And so, with the seasons slowly slipping back to normal, sanity returned to all the shut-in columnists who have recently gone nuts. And all the geese and all the people would begin to once again live in harmony. Unless they are on the golf course, in which case it’s open season if they get in the way of my drive.

Happy Columnists Day everyone. Spring is finally on the horizon.