The Basement Files

The Madness of March


As the old saying goes, “March comes in like a lion, and out like a lamb.” Or was it the other way around? I can’t remember. It’s something like that anyway. Whatever way that old saying goes, the point is, stuff goes down in March, and so far this year has been no exception.
This week we’ve got some serious, funny and sad occurrances, and a list of snarky comments to bridge the gaps. I promise this week I’m not going to complain about the weather anymore, even if it seems we are in the icy grasp of a perpetual snow loop.

New pope

The Catholic Church has a new leader and he’s the first to come from either of the Americas. Score one for the Western Hemisphere.

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, archbishop of Buenos Aires, took the win, put on the hat and became Pope Francis I, Vicar of Christ and Bishop of Rome. Now, I had planned to make a whole game out of this, with a prediction of who might become the next pope (FYI, I was way off). But instead of taking their time, the cardinals focused and got it done in relatively short fashion. Good for them. Perhaps Congress could learn a thing or two from them. Speaking of which.

The purple caucus

Straight from the “Office of names that make sense, but can be made really dirty with minimal effort” comes “The Purple Caucus.” The caucus is made up of DFL and Republican state lawmakers that will address a plethora of issues. I know I’m a week or so late on this one, but you have to cut me some slack. This is a family paper, and of the more than 300 (316 to be precise) snarky comments and thoroughly inappropriate jokes I have written, I cannot find one that would be appropriate to print.
So use your imaginations. It’s not that difficult, especially if you have a screwed up mind like I do.

Judge Judy being sued
America’s favorite daytime television judge is now being sued. So what’s going on here?
Well, it seems Judge Judy has a producer on her daytime show that I know my mother never misses who is going through a nasty divorce. This producer, it seems, sold a fine china and flatware to the judge, for around $50,000. That seems like a heck of a lot for plates and forks, two things I rarely use.
However, the wife of said producer alleges that the plates are worth more than $500,000, and that her husband sold them to Judge Judy to get back at her and make sure she couldn’t have them. Insane? Completely. I mean, if a set of plates cost $500,000, they better be made of rare metals mined from passing comets, clean themselves, complement you on your eating prowess and play MP3s. Either way, I just hope that they bring camera’s into this courtroom.

R.I.P., Peter Banks
Peter Banks was once called “the architect of progressive rock.” He had a career spanning multiple bands, and was at the forefront of musical development in the 1960s and 1970s. Banks was also a founding member and original guitarist of the band Yes, your humble columnist’s absolute favorite band. Yes was really the godfather of progressive rock and one of the most under-rated bands of all time.
Banks passed away earlier this month from heart failure. This “Astral Traveller” will be sorely missed.

When not keeping up with current events and listening to Yes, Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.