The Basement Files

January down, 11 to go


That was fast. January Is over. On to the short month, and then we are look at the final stretch before spring’s nice, warm, sneeze-inducing embrace. But we still have time left in the “nation’s blast chiller” before we can venture outdoors, relax poolside, watch baseball (despite the fact that the Twins pulled a real bone-headed move and traded Ben Revere,) and do all the fun and time-wasting stuff that makes life worth living.

Fortunately, some things have happened in the last few days, and weeks, that I haven’t touched base on yet. Because I’m too lazy to have any outdoor fun, adventures or random shenanigans while it’s this cold out, I’ll stick to what I do. And that’s to make fun of stuff.

Wing shortage emergency
Chalk this one up to the “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me, fool me three times, I’m eating Chinese,” file. Just to fill you in, in case you hadn’t heard, there seems to be a bit of a “wing shortage” for the big game on Sunday. This “shortage” was caused by several factors, one being the increased price of corn feed because all the corn is busy not being digested in my stomach and being made into ethanol.
That is a legitimate reason, but is there really a “shortage” out there? If you look back, there have been these “phantom shortages” all the way back to the “big game of ’09.” Seems suspicious to me, just a ploy to raise prices. Which, in all honesty, they probably do need to do, because of the previous reason. So why don’t they just stick to that and stop trying to scare me every year thinking that I won’t get my wing fix.

U of M hosts female  seminar

OK, this one is too easy. A university that continually asks for more money, puts on a seminar, costing around $3,500, focusing on one particular facet of the love life of females. I’ve literally got about 300 jokes I could put here, but none of them are completely family friendly, or politically correct or really should be said out loud in public.

So I’ll just leave this one alone. Which the U probably should have done as well.

Stillwater’s new chief of staff

Anytime someone from my humble hometown makes it on the national stage, I think it’s awesome. Unfortunately, this time it has to do with politics.

I’ve been told by a few people who knew him growing up that Denis R. McDonough was by all accounts, a good guy and to go easy on him.

But, as I’ve printed before, I am not a fan of politics or politicians. My biggest issue is that both Republicans and Democrats seem to not give a “rat’s rear end” about what really matters in this country. They only care about making the other party look stupid. I could write a month’s worth of columns that just scratch the surface on why I am in such disdain.

But that’s boring. I’ll leave the punditry to the pundits, and pretty much leave you alone unless you do something really absurd, like banning burritos because of a three-fold increase in air and noise pollution in the vicinity of my downstairs bathroom.

So, Mr. McDonough, congratulations on your new position, I look forward to poking fun at your ties, or if you sneeze on TV or something. I do have a question, though. Has anyone eaten anything really stupid and then got on Air Force One? Because politics is not my wheelhouse. But “ripping toots” at 20,000 feet is.

Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.