The Basement Files

The party line: Staying home might be best way to ring in New Year

Chris Hamble

Chris Hamble

We made it. The end of the Mayan calendar came and went without a bang and we all came through relatively unscathed. I’m sure a few of us partied too much, or, in my case, ate way too much. But now that it’s all done, let’s take a breath and relax while the “new agers” figure out when the next “end of the world” might occur. Until then, however, put aside the holiday stress and start planning for the next big party on New Year’s Eve Monday.

Personally, I’ve pretty much given up celebrating and partying on Dec. 31. Why? First, most public places are either closed or packed to capacity with people, random people. I’m not a fan of random people, much less random people at parties. I’ll tell you why. At parties, specifically New Year’s Eve parties, there are three types of people: Those who start crying because they’ve accomplished nothing in the last year; people who drink way too much, and people who drink way too much and start crying because they’ve accomplished nothing in the last year.

Why don’t I go to a private party? Well, I’ve got problems with those parties, too. When you party at a bar or somewhere out in public for the New Year, and say or do something really stupid, it stays at the bar. That is unless you do it near me, and it finds its way into the newspaper, or if you get arrested.

But my point is if you get a little tipsy, it’s not the end of the world because you will most likely never see these people again, and if you do, you won’t remember them, and vise-versa. That can’t happen at a private party with friends, or worse, at an office party. Friends will eventually grow tired of making fun of you, but not your co-workers. “Captain No-Pants” is a nickname that follows you to the grave.

In addition to possibly “making a name for yourself,” there are also the other people at the party you must put up with. And if you know them, it becomes much less “funny” and more “awkward” when someone does something really, really stupid. Because most likely, it is going to involve you, and that is no fun. As with the public party scene, there are three types of people that attend private New Year’s shindigs, and I try to avoid all of them. People who start crying because they’ve gone nowhere in the last year; people who drink too much, and people who drink too much and start crying because they’ve gone nowhere in the last year.

So that leaves me with one option: staying home. And that’s exactly what I’ll be doing. When you stay at home, you don’t have to put up with the awkwardness of co-workers, the jerkiness of friends, and the inevitable idiocy of yourself. And stay off social media sites, because the only people using them on New Year’s Eve are people who are crying because they didn’t get invited to a party; people who drink too much, and people who drink too much and are crying because they didn’t get invited to a party.

 

  Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.

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