The Basement Files

If Friday is the end of the world, then ‘party on dudes’



Well folks, this is it, the end of the Mayan calendar. It’s been fun this last year, making fun of Dec. 21 and all, but now that it’s here, there is one thing left to do. That is to take the advice of two men I have looked up to for almost my entire life, and “Party on, dudes!”

Okay, so “Bill S. Preston” and “Ted Theodore Logan” might not have been the best role models, but you must admit their “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure” made for not only one the best buddy movies ever, but probably the best movie to ever tackle the tricky time travel issue. Not only that, but kicking back and watching that movie (and skipping “Bogus Journey” altogether) is a great way to spend the “end of the world.”

Whether you actually believe that nonsense about the end of the Mayan calendar is moot. I mean, our Gregorian calendar ends every year on Dec. 31, only to restart a new cycle, and as far as I know we’re still here. Unless we are part of some big dream or something, and if that is the case, can I have a new rear end? It makes my jeans look fat.

But I’m getting off track. Friday Dec. 21, is a great time to have a great time, and the “end of the world” is a great excuse to do it. Within reason of course, otherwise you’ll be celebrating Dec. 22, national hangover day and I’ll be laughing at you.

So, what are you going to do for the end of time as we know it? I know what I’m doing. It all starts in the morning with a nice big cup of coffee. I love coffee, or, more specific, I’m addicted to caffeine. It’s a relaxing start to a day of, well, relaxation. I’ve got the whole day planned out barring any unforeseen apocalypse.

After coffee usually comes the first of my daily naps. But, seeing as the end of the long-count calendar only comes every couple thousand years or so, I’m skipping it this once and doing something productive. I’m having a stogie. It’s been months since I’ve had one (because, guess what, I’m not addicted to them. I just happen to enjoy one every once and a while. Which is a terrible habit that all kids reading this should avoid) and nothing says “relaxation” like a big, stinky cigar.

Now that I’m “completely chilled out.” I’ve picked exactly what I’m going to watch, because let’s be honest, it’s Friday. I’m not doing squat anyway. I’ll start with “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” move to “The Goonies,” “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off,” and finish the day with “The Maltese Falcon.” What? It’s a classic. You got a problem with Humphrey Bogart?

Next comes food, because after a movie marathon, you’re going to need some nourishment. Good thing the McDonald’s McRib is back. Sure, it’s not exactly anything resembling a “rib,” and people make a big “to do” about what kinds of meats are combined to make it, but does it matter? The McRib is concentrated deliciousness, and is made of things you’ve eaten already if you’ve ever had a sausage, bologna or a hotdog.

With my tummy full (and bathroom stocked with three-ply, because I like to treat myself,) it’s time to move back to the TV, and enjoy the last few hours of the day and night with the only other person I would like to spend the end of the world with. No, not my girlfriend, since fart jokes don’t exactly make the best pick-up lines, but the good doctor — Doctor Who. I figure if I’m starting the day with time travelers using a phone booth, I might as well end the day with time travelers who use a phone booth.

And that, my friends, is how I will spend the last day of this cycle of the Mayan long-count calendar. If the end actually comes, I’ll be happy and content and full of faux-barbeque. Which is, when you get right down to it, the best-case scenario.

And if the end doesn’t come, which I’m 92.457 percent sure it won’t, I won’t be hung over Saturday. Which is, if you get down to it, the best-case scenario.


            Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.