The universe works against me again

Chris Hamble

OK, I know, I’m an idiot.

Now that we have that out of the way, let’s talk about last week’s column. You know, the one where I said I thought the NFL referee lockout would continue long into the season? That one.

Well, I called it wrong. Which was obvious by the time the story went to print, and to be perfectly honest I kind of figured that was going to happen as soon as I sent off the column. I say that because of my track record when it comes to “on the record” predictions. I have the dubious distinction of having a complete, 100-percent proven track record of making a prediction, some even based on “facts,” and having the exact opposite happen. I said, “I think the NFL refs won’t be back,” they come back. I said, “looks like a good weekend,” then get your umbrella… or shovel.

So how did this come to be? Well, let’s take a look back, all the way back to that fateful Monday night just after a Green Bay Packers game…

A thought comes rushing into my head (and no, it didn’t hurt, smart aleck) and the next thing I know, I am running down to my computer to put the screen down and run out to get some taco’s. There’s nothing like a bad football call to get my appetite flaring. After a short beef and refried bean coma, I awoke, as I usually do, to the sounds of ESPN SportsCenter. I don’t know why I sleep with the TV on, but we can tackle that one another day. Anyway, long story short, people were still talking about this single blown call, several hours after the event.

I sat and watched pundits and analysts talk about how the call should have gone down, how it hurt both the game, and NFL “brand” itself. As one pundit, who’s name escapes me at this moment, was in the midst of a commentary that had him nearly in tears because something bad happened in a game of football, and that it could very well be the end of human civilization as we know it, I thought to myself, “You know who else has an opinion on this, and also thinks way too much of himself? Me.”

So I run back to my computer, open the lid, and go back and make some coffee because I cannot function without caffeine. I think it might have something to do with the fact that I don’t get a good night’s sleep, but I could be mistaken on that. Regardless, I churn out a few hundred words, take a nap or two, and send the thing off to the magical world of newspaper publishing, where all the information in the world is gathered and sorted out to be transformed into the printed word.

The work is sent. It’s time for breakfast, or dinner. I get confused sometimes because I keep odd hours, but in either case, it the meal contains bacon so it’s all good. As I finish eating, I turn on the TV to check the situation with the “earth-shattering travesty” that happened back on Monday and I start to get freaked out. I just sent out my article and the NFL and NFLRA have reached an agreement.

And that, my friends, is the very short and uninteresting story of how the universe continues to work against me. Then again, I guess that’s why I make jokes about bodily functions and don’t read fortunes.

Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.