The Basement Files

The results are in

By CHRIS HAMBLE – Gazette Columnist

OK readers, I have to come clean, I know I’m no psychic, and last weeks "predictions" were all made because I have this keen ability to write something in the paper and have the exact opposite happen just as it is published.

Many times I complain about the weather, than it clears up and people think I’m nuts. Then I make mention of the nice weather, it turns sour and people think I’m nuts. I say the Twins are winning, the team loses. Then again, if I say they are losing, they still lose, so I guess that one doesn’t count.

Anyway, long story short, I decided to "tempt the fates" and list a couple of "predictions" for the weekend that, while completely expected, I hoped would not happen because I had brought them to light. Is it completely selfish? Maybe so. Let’s see how I did shall we?

Prediction: You are going to swear at somebody on the highway at some point this weekend.

Result: Prediction failure.

Intended result: Partial success.

I printed this one last week because I hate driving up to the casino in bad traffic. It’s not just going to the casino either, I just hate traffic. My goal here was to "predict" that traffic would be bad, so that "ironically" traffic would actually be manageable. And it was, to a point.

The traffic was fine, but the weather was not. Pouring rain the entire drive made the trip the longest in the 10 or so years I’ve been making it. So while I was not "swearing at somebody on the highway," I wasn’t exactly making good time either. Although not all was lost, I did get to see a tree explode right off Interstate 35, about 30 feet from our van, after being hit by a gigantic bolt of lightning. One or two "choice words" may have come out in panic. Sorry Mom.

Prediction: I am coming home broke, and my family members that take the trip with me will come home richer.

Result: Prediction semi-accurate

Intended result: Failure.

I always come home broke from the casino, always. My aunt however, has some sort of gift when it comes to; well, anything she touches and comes home loaded for bear, or however that saying goes.

So my prediction last week was in the vain hopes that I would not come home broke again, and come home a winner for a change. I didn’t, and she did, again, as normal. However, I did not come home broke. After losing it all, my overly generous aunt stopped dead in her tracks, said "Here’s a twenty, play this machine, and you’ll be fine," and within five minutes I won back all I had lost.

I don’t know how she does it, but next time I gamble, I’m just following her around. So while I didn’t come home with any extra money, I at least come back home with my initial investment which subsequently went to cigars, but that’s another story…

Prediction We will have two tornado warnings issued

Result: Failure

Intended result: Resounding success.

I don’t know if they have fixed the tornado siren at Lily Lake yet, but at least they didn’t have to use it this weekend. The creepy part of this prediction however was the fact that I was almost right.

Two of the days we were under a tornado threat, as predicted by the Storms Prediction Center in Norman, Okla., you know, part of the National Weather Service. We got wind, we got hail, and we got a lot of rain, but no tornadoes. I would like to think my prediction played a small part in that, so I will be taking all the credit and thanks for saving your property from damage.

So, there you have it, the results as promised last week. Three failed predictions printed and accounted for. But, I guess I can look on the bright side, with a 100 percent failure rate I can still get a job on one of those "for entertainment only" phone physic lines.

Chris Hamble is a freelance writer and humor columnist serving newspapers in Minnesota and Wisconsin, and is a lifelong Stillwater resident.